Worth The Embarrassment
by LoveChilde
Summary: Jack's recent behavior requires an explanation. Ianto's diary provides a means to get one. Takes place after Adam, deals mostly with Meat. Mildly slashy, spoilers.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is technically an episode tag to Adam (seething hatred for that ep, but one good plothook), but deals mostly with the events in Meat, so spoilers for those two and everything else up to them. Contains mild, non-graphic slash.

July 15th, 2008

Alien meat file closed. Creature, as yet unclassified, destroyed, along with the company holding and abusing it. Containment proved impossible without destruction. Filed under Y3741-2008. All humans involved given B67, bar one.

G.'s SO R found out about TW today. By Torchwood policy, should've been dosed with B67 as well, as he was involved in the aforementioned case, but wasn't, as far as I know. G. threatened to resign if J. went ahead with it. I wouldn't put it past him to do it anyway, but as I still remember it, I imagine he hasn't yet. If he does, he'll need to dose the rest of us as well so we don't mention it, as G. seems to be resistant to the effects if something triggers a memory (see entry for August 30th, 2007). Must remember to do an in-depth scan of G. for latent telepathy/empathy. It's been put off far too long.

Not sure why J. didn't simply fire her. He's done it easily enough before. Worried about others' reaction to that. Favoritism bad for team morale, though O. usually too self-centered to notice it. Hope there's no repeat of last year, once was more than enough.

Ianto had no way of knowing how much Jack'd read of his diary. He hoped he hadn't gone over the more embarrassing parts, from just after he'd disappeared, or worse, from right after Lisa's death. Actually, he hoped Jack hadn't read it at all, beyond that single snippet about tape measures, once he'd realized what it was. Diaries were private things, after all, and Jack generally respected privacy.

Oh, who was he kidding? Of course Jack had read it. He'd never ever hear the end of it.

That certainty, half-dread and half vindictive joy that Jack might read the thoughts and events Ianto'd never been able to relate out loud, and feel like the jerk he sometimes was, kept Ianto close company for the whole day after they'd lost 48 hours. Owen ran blood tests on them all and found traces of Retcon, but there was no log of the two days, and CCTV had been wiped clean, and they all shrugged and went about their day. Tosh joked that it was the second time they'd lost a few days inside four months, but it was an acceptable risk, working for Torchwood. Ianto thought he was the only one who'd noticed Jack's expression when she'd said it- almost wounded. He moved around Jack warily all day, waiting for teasing, for painful questions, even for anger, but none came. By the end of the day he was hoping it simply wouldn't happen. Minutes after he had that thought, Jack asked him to stay after the others had left for some extra archive work. Owen rolled his eyes, huffed loudly, and warned them not to leave any unsanitary stains around, and if they really wanted to have sex at the office, could they at least not pretend to be working? Jack threw a pen at him and pleasantly explained that if he wanted to have sex at the office he'd say it plainly, and this time he actually wanted to work.

Ianto of course knew better. Just because Jack didn't proposition him in public wouldn't mean they wouldn't abandon the archiving pretty quickly and get down to something a bit more horizontal, but Owen didn't need more ammunition. He finished his work around the main office space, preparing it for tomorrow while the others packed and left. Then, he straightened his tie and joined Jack down in the archives.

"What's on the menu tonight, Jack?"

"Pasta, if you want it." Jack grinned. "And alien toys from Radae 3. I'm pretty sure it's a form of board game, but it might just be something useful." He had a pile of bits of metal and plastic on a mat in front of him. Ianto moved to sit opposite him at the workbench to help sort through them.

"Pasta sounds good. You'll be cooking?"

"Yup. I'm tired of takeout." Jack was a pretty good cook when he wanted to be, with more exotic tastes than Ianto had. He'd declared Ianto's culinary skill 'impossibly Welsh' the first time he'd made dinner and banned him from making anything that didn't involve something between slices of bread. Since the coffee machine was still exclusively his, and he didn't really like cooking, Ianto hadn't objected. "Later, though, I want to get this sorted first."

Ianto nodded and they worked in silence for a few minutes. He knew Jack was itching to say something; a dozen little signs gave it away, so he was ready when Jack started.

"That diary of yours is a security risk, you know."

"I know." Ianto nodded calmly. "There's an acid capsule on the back cover, rigged to destroy it if it ever leaves the Hub. It's not," he added, stressing slightly, "meant to be seen by anybody by myself."

"That's good to hear. I'm sure there's a lot there you don't want others to read." Jack nodded, his face and voice neutral.

"Yes." Alright, he was going to ask. "How much of it did you read?"

"Not much." No guilt, damn him. "Recent weeks. There were only about three entries before the angel on my shoulder got the upper hand over the devil on the other shoulder."

"I see." Then Ianto could assume that the tape measure entry was the earliest Jack'd seen. That was a relief, there was nothing truly embarrassing after it. "Remind me to thank your angel later." Jack grinned, nodded and they both went back to work, but this was far from over.

It was several hours later, after some nice pasta and chicken (cooked with a mix of spices Jack said would be a huge hit in the 31st century and Ianto found a little too advanced for his palate), lying spooned in Jack's bunk and recovering, that Jack finally continued the earlier conversation.

"You really think me not firing Gwen was favoritism?"

Ianto considered this quietly for a moment. He'd almost forgotten that entry, and hadn't considered what Jack's reaction might be. "I think that when others disobeyed a direct order, you were a bit more…assertive." He replied carefully. Jack's hands didn't loosen their hold around his middle, which he considered a good sign.

"Depends on the order." Jack countered immediately. "In the field, she wouldn't disobey me. She hadn't, actually, at the warehouse." Ianto knew it'd been a close call, though. "I can't give people orders about their private life."

Ianto stayed silent, knowing silence would be more effective than a verbal refuting of that outright lie. Jack could, and often did, give people orders about their private lives, whether it was 'kill your girlfriend' or 'get used to not having weekends'. Torchwood had a way of overflowing into every aspect of one's life. After a very long silence, Jack twitched. "You asleep?"

"No. I'm giving you a chance to admit you just said something remarkably stupid and untrue."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. Are you going to, or should I explain it?"

"No, you're right. That was a stupid thing to say." Jack sounded impossibly tired, and Ianto couldn't help remembering the previous day, when Jack'd been red eyed and quiet, and he himself felt like he'd spent a few good hours crying. It'd been hugely frustrating, not remembering why or how. Maybe it was still affecting them, whatever it'd been. He let his hands tighten on Jack's arm and snuggled further into him to show he wasn't angry.

"Ok. Good." It was a start. "Now that we both agree that you try to order people's private lives for them, my next point- that was Torchwood business. You let her break protocol."

"Wouldn't be the first time someone's done that." Jack recovered some of his flip attitude. "We break protocol on a daily basis, Ianto. Hell, us being here, together, is against protocol." They had rules against team affairs, true, although most of the Victorian anti-sex rules had been revoked after Torchwood's first encounter with alien pheromones in 1883, but nobody followed those much. Certainly they hadn't at Torchwood One.

"Yes, but nobody ever ordered us not to be together." Ianto allowed a smirk, knowing Jack could sense it there, "In fact, I seem to remember just the opposite. The last time someone broke official protocol against your orders, you fired him. The time before that, you sent Mary into the Sun. The time before that-" He stopped, flinching from the event. They didn't talk about that one.

"I told you to kill her." It seemed they were still on a rule-breaking spree. They i never /i talked about Lisa. Ianto tensed, hunching into himself for a moment. Jack kissed the back of his neck and he shook his head quickly to end it.

"You did." He agreed at last, speaking as if the words might shatter something. "What makes Gwen so different? What lets her keep something like that, when the rest of us couldn't?" He hadn't meant to say it, and wanted to take it back as soon as he had, but couldn't. Instead, he tried for damage control. "Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"Why not?" The question came faster than he thought Jack would respond.

"I don't want to know that it wasn't a one time thing. That you'll always make allowances for her."

"How do you know that's what I'd answer? How do you know I'd answer at all?" Jack countered. Somehow, he wasn't holding Ianto anymore, which gave him a chance to pull away a little and pull a sheet over them both. It was getting cold down here, they should think about a heavier blanket next time they slept here.

He was assuming there'd be a next time. Optimistic of him, given the current conversation.

"I don't. I didn't think you would, actually."

"Is that why you didn't ask me that day? You like your secrets, don't you?" It felt like they were distant from each other, though both were still on the not too large bed. Ianto snorted.

"I do, Mr. Pot? Funny, you're looking a bit black there, too."

"That's not an answer, Mr. Kettle." Jack sounded amused, but the lightness of his tone didn't make this any less serious a conversation. "Why didn't you ask? Why doodle in your diary and let it simmer until it explodes?"

"Generally, because I never know when you might decide not to answer. Specifically for that one occasion, because neither one of us was in any state for that kind of conversation that night." Ianto knew Jack remembered that night as well as he did, because arms wrapped around him again, holding and sharing warmth, skin against bare skin. Jack had been near-inconsolable at their failure to save the alien creature, wracked with guilt and grief, and Ianto, after a very close brush with the business end of a gun, wasn't in a much better state. They'd held and comforted each other, they'd indulged in hard, hot sex, but they hadn't said more than two coherent words that night.

"Ok. Fair enough." They were quiet again, for a while. "What did you think my reasons were?"

"That she's special?" Ianto shrugged as best he could, lying down. "That you've been to the future and she has a purpose, and she has to stay with us? That you value her more than the others, because of some use she'll have in an unnamed future. Or just because you do." The words flowed out, and he thought they were ugly and unfair, but they came all the same.

"And you think that would've been my answer?" Jack's voice was still calm, bland, but the lack of inflection didn't fully remove the importance of both question and answer.

"No." There was never a doubt about that. "Even if you did value her more, which I don't think you do, you'd never say it out loud. Not even to yourself, maybe."

"I wouldn't have said it. And I value all of you equally. I don't favor anybody and you know it. Hell, if I took up favoritism, you'd be a better candidate. Gwen might be easier to get along with than Owen, but I value all of you. I came back for all of you. But if her boyfriend stumbles into our business, it's not like the Rift opening and time-space folding into itself, Ianto. Letting him remember us, when we know about it and can keep an eye out, isn't inviting an alien into the Hub without permission. It's not a risk to the wholeness of the universe."

"Rhys is human, you mean." Ianto completed again. "Not an alien, not a Cyberman. He's harmless, until he becomes not-harmless."

"Yes. And if he does then I might regret letting him remember, and we might have to either Retcon him or kill him, to save the planet. And I'd feel bad about it, just like I did when Diane left, or after Mary and Lisa. Sometimes things have to be done, for the good of the planet and mankind. When it's not the planet at stake? Some rules are only there to make our lives harder. It's just…less of a risk. At least Gwen won't have to lie anymore, and now he understands the risks, it should be easier for her at home. And if Owen thought about it that way, I doubt he'd stay jealous for long."

"If Owen ever got jealous about it, he wouldn't waste time thinking before he acted." Ianto pointed out. He understood Jack's reasoning, and the truth was he couldn't begrudge Gwen her happiness and her love, especially not when he'd cheated the odds by getting into this arrangement with Jack. "But I understand. It's ok."

"The truth is I was tired, I'd had a shitty day, and I wasn't in the mood to kick anybody off the team. Last thing I needed was all of you looking at me like kicked puppies." Jack admitted quietly. "I thought about it the next day. If I'd decided back then that I'd made the wrong decision, I'd have Retconned him anyway. I'm glad I didn't have to, though. Hard enough to find love in our line of work."

"I'm glad too." Ianto turned around so he was facing Jack again, after almost an hour of not looking at him, and kissed him gently. "It took you a very long time to say that."

"Well, that sort of confession requires buildup." Jack smiled against Ianto's lips, leaning his forehead on the younger man's shoulder. "You don't ask easy questions, Ianto Jones."

"The easy questions I can answer by myself." The harder questions, he thought, needed harder work. Getting Jack in the proper mood was a lot of work, and he didn't often get an opening as good as the one the diary had accidentally given him. "But I'm not going to ask anymore tonight." One day, Jack might tell him exactly where he'd been. He might tell him why he got the ancient, pained look on his face sometimes, or why he refused to tie Ianto to the bed anymore, or he'd explain the events behind some of his nightmares. Until then, Ianto was satisfied to've had that one answer. It was a start.

"That's a relief." Jack grinned roguishly. "I'm on a roll, Lord only know what I might say if you asked anymore." The truth, even. Ianto was a bit too tired to handle any more truth tonight, though. They'd both had a very long day.

"Hm. I could ask you where you learned to do that thing with your tongue…" Ianto licked his lips thoughtfully. "But then you'd want to demonstrate, and we both have to work tomorrow. Guess I'll learn to live without knowing."

"You know I'd tell you if I could, right?" Jack's unguarded look of sincerity caught Ianto by surprise. This really mattered to him.

"I know. One day." He nodded, pressing himself closer. Jack squeezed him tightly for a moment. "Jack- air- air-"

"Oops. Sorry." Jack let him go and rolled over. "Sleep?"

"Definitely sleep. G'night, Jack."

"Night Ianto."


End file.
